#7: How To Practice Feelings Boundaries With Heavy Emotions
You do not need to hold space for it all.
You do not need to hold space for every emotion,
reads the post-it note on my mirror. The purple slip is a reminder, a visual siren for when I notice myself holding space for too many heavy feelings at once.
As a sensitive person, I’m accustomed to embracing feelings freely. It doesn’t matter if I’m already processing other emotions (aren’t we always?); I simply make room for more. Joy intertwines with pain, rage colors grief, empathy and apathy learn to dance.
I’ve always preferred it this way, and I assume many other sensitive people do as well. I’m most comfortable feeling all the feelings simultaneously (I’ll take one of each, please), yet I realize this comes at a high cost.
It’s easy to open my arms wide to every emotion until I end up wading too deep, quite literally drowning in a sea of my feelings. I can’t process it all; the weight is too heavy. Trying to feel everything at once results in feeling nothing at all. And this is especially true for more challenging emotions, like anger, sorrow, fear, or grief.
We’re not meant to absorb every emotion at once—whether our own feelings or the feelings of others (because I know many of us do that too). And just as our bodies need physical rest, so do our hearts. Sometimes they need a break. Sometimes picking up one more emotion is enough to cause a short circuit. Hence the post-it note. As a sensitive person, I need that reminder.
Here’s the truth, and it’s something I’ve been mulling over for the past few days: It is okay to set limitations with our feelings, especially harder ones. We can tuck them safely aside to process later. We’re not saying we won’t ever hold space for that particular feeling, but rather that today is not the day, or right now is not the best time. We have other things to carry and other feelings to sort through.
Likewise, we have a life to live, people to care for, jobs to work, routines to follow. This too is a reason to pause and practice boundaries with our emotions.
And each emotion deserves its own attention, no? Every joy, every heartache, every moment marked by laughter or tears. While they sometimes mix (and trust me, they do!), sometimes they don’t. Sometimes we need to be okay feeling whatever we’re feeling without allowing other emotions to crash the party or cheapen the experience.
When we practice feelings boundaries, we’re simply acknowledging an emotion, recognizing it as valid and a part of our experience, and then choosing to let it pass.
We can say not now, not yet. Or, not ever. It’s really up to us to decide. It’s not an easy practice by any means, and it definitely takes work, but it is possible.
My go-to tip for practicing feelings boundaries:
When you can’t hold space for your heavier emotions, write them down. This helps me move my feelings through and out of my body while also acknowledging their importance. When an emotion comes up that I don’t have space for, I will quickly jot it down in my journal or on my phone notes app, along with a sentence or two about that feeling (and how I’d like to process it eventually).
A few examples:
“Today, I noticed unresolved grief lingers in my relationship with X. I hope they are well. Someday soon, I’d like to sit with this emotion and process it.”
“When I think about X, I feel hopeless and scared, and the fear takes over my whole body. I want to process this with a safe person or therapist.”
“When I am around X, I absorb their sadness. I want to carry it for them, but I know I can’t. How can I help them? How can I help hold their pain and be there for them?”
In case you missed it, Feelings Not Aside got a facelift 💁♀️ Weekly Feels now go out every Sunday, separate from this bimonthly newsletter. See last week’s here.
Also, comments are open!👇 I’d love to hear your thoughts on feelings boundaries. Are they possible for you? Do you already practice this?