#2: How I Discovered I'm An Enneagram 4
I’ve always wanted to feel like I belong—but not at the cost of losing myself.
I’ve always wanted to feel like I belong—but not at the cost of losing myself.
It was late spring, and we were driving to a campground in the mountains of Colorado. The dirt road was littered with potholes and boulders, and I had to turn the volume up to hear the podcast host. “Listen, listen!” I exclaimed to my husband, dust enveloping our car as we crawled deeper into the forest. I knew the episode by heart at that point, but I wanted him to hear it too. I wanted a witness for the words that had changed me and made me feel seen:
Enneagram 4s desire to feel truly known. They want to belong. Yet, they also fear being ordinary or insignificant. Much of their life is a great paradox: They long to be invited to the party, but they also dread the idea of going. For 4s, life can feel like living with your nose pressed against the glass, wondering, “Will they ever see the real me?”
I’m paraphrasing here, but much of the interview was about this longing that exists inside Enneagram 4s. I hadn’t known my number before that moment, and I’d often assumed myself a 3 because of my people-pleasing and performance tendencies (come to find out, it’s my wing number, and yikes, is it strong).
But hearing another person articulate my deepest emotions is what made it click for me. Up until that point, I’d spent my entire life feeling like an outsider—but not because of how others had treated me. It was simply a reaction that I couldn’t explain.
Yet, on an even deeper level, I’d somehow attributed value to my ‘outsiderness;’ part of me enjoyed being misunderstood. As you may know, 4s tend to romanticize sadness and seek out melancholy. This is why the imagery of my nose pressed against the glass resonated so deeply.
That’s exactly it, I thought. That’s how I’ve always seen myself.
I share all of this not because I assume everyone wants to read my Enneagram origin story. But rather, there’s something to be said about the power of story and words. Sometimes, we need to name our deepest feelings. And sometimes, we need to listen to others as they name them for us. This is necessary work for better understanding ourselves but also to find healing and growth.
See, if it weren’t for the Enneagram, I’d likely always feel misunderstood and blame it on the world around me. It would seem an inexorable truth. But now I know to question that internal dialogue that happens when I feel unseen (keyword being feel). It’s not that people misunderstand me; it’s that I’m choosing to believe they do. Only I have the power to rewrite that script. And so do you.
You don’t have to be an Enneagram 4, either. Every number has its own internal dialogue and sense of longing. If you’re unsure about your number, we have a few resources over at The Good Trade.
Just a soft reminder that this journey looks different for everyone, so please don’t get frustrated with yourself if you can’t find your number straightaway. Some people know their number from reading through the types. For others, it can take years of mistyping and trying on different ones. Neither way is right or wrong, and we all eventually get there.
This is a good time to say that while I hope to write some content specific to the Enneagram, this space is mostly geared towards feeling-types in general, not just the feelings of 4s. Whether you have big feelings or want to have big feelings or love someone who has big feelings—you’re invited to the party. And I’m glad you’re here.
If you do know your Enneagram number, what was your discovery process like? I’d love to hear about the moment it clicked for you. 💛
Weekly Feels:
Reading friends, I can’t recommend Lily King’s Writers & Lovers enough. For anyone who understands the cost of creative living (waiting tables, trying to afford rent, battling your inner critic), it’s 10/10 relatable.
Anyone else a fan of The Voice? #TeamLegend. Since the new season is premiering next week, I’ve been reminiscing on my favorite battles. And Cedrice and Thuderstorm’s rendition of “Stay” still gets me. 😭
I just discovered Mr. W on TikTok (@thatjoshuakid93), a 5th-grade TA currently teaching school over Zoom. He’s kind, funny, and a reminder that teachers are truly heroes. His feed makes me feel a lot less guilty about scrolling social.
This may be a strange coincidence, but having always wondered what my number is and never really doing any of the tests, you inspired me to go for it. I too, am a 4 and reading this has just made everything click. Perhaps 4s are also related to being a Virgo? Who knows x
wow, love this. I have been writing about health, travel, pets and just started a section on the Enneagram on Sundays. I am a 4, my journey was a 1 "friend" told me she thought that I was a 2 (downside, disintegration) but I had other guidance. I cried my way thru the entire Dr. Helen Palmer chapter on 4's. In a seminar, I thought that I was a 1 (integration, high side), and finally during a coaching session, a dear friend, mentor asked me what I thought, I told her 2 and she said no you are a 4. During one session, she played the Palmer tape of 4's and laughed a lot. She and I knew one another 40 years and she said she was rolling on the floor listening to that tape about me. She was an extremely loving truth telling friend. And highlighted the sadness-melancholy and feeling on the outside, being happy and sad about that. On Dr. Palmer's tape, it made me laugh when she said that many of the people at the SF Suicide Hotline Prevention Counselor were 4's. In my 20's, I was too (life, death, infinity). thanks.