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Thoughts about starting IVF

Tonight’s post is in fragments, composed of journal entries and phone notes from the past few weeks.

Photo by Oliver Sjöström on Unsplash

The end of summer brings with it many things, and this year it has brought heat, big feelings, and an expanded vocabulary of medical terms. Which is to say, I’ve officially started medication for IVF. 

I have many feelings about this, and my thoughts often feel like fireflies: electric, flittering about, going bright and dark at random. I mostly feel energized to finally be doing something after three years (three years!) of trying and failing to conceive. Of course, there is the fear too. What if it doesn’t work? What if we go through all of this to only end up in the same place we are now? I never imagined we would end up at this point, I never envisioned a notepad on my desk scribbled with big financial numbers and clinical terms: embryo, blastocyst, PGT testing. Hovering is the best word I can muster. I am hovering over my body and a box of syringe…