how to envy well

Photo by Alina Perekatenkova on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking about envy and how often it finds its way into my mind, taunts me with fear and feelings of insignificance. Like a shadow growing in a starless night, or an animal lurking outside the window, envy grabs hold, grows teeth, overpowers me like prey without offering mercy.

I’ve never really considered myself a jealous person. But I guess if I look hard enough, I can see that the feeling is sometimes there, creeping in, especially with writing and creativity. Celebration arises, too, and feelings of pride when witnessing others’ work. But I think it’s fair to say everyone hopes and equally fears that there may not be enough room at the table.

When the feeling arises, its grip is strong and stubborn. I feel it in my bones, the ache of longing for what others have that I don’t. For what I lack:

Names printed on covers in the bookstore. Babies in the wombs, babies running around the hallways. Houses on quiet streets to grow old in. P…