you’re so not alone in the feelings. it’s impossible to metabolize it all, we’re truly not meant to. and yet we keep being asked to. it’s not fair for anyone and it never will be. love the imagery of the suit of plaster—what a perfectly, heartbreakingly relatable paragraph. 🧡
"it also steals all other feelings, erasing them entirely. It’s like a suit of plaster enveloping our bodies. The hard cast forms around us, hiding who we really are until we become unfamiliar to even ourselves." Yeah, that.
Thank you for writing this. You've put into words what I'm feeling and I'm sure many are feeling. I just wish tragedies like this would bring out the kindness in people so it would flood the world and heal and fill the cracks instead it often times doing the exact opposite.
Yes to all of this. I was just sharing similar thoughts and feelings with my spouse last night. At first I was feeling guilty for not being outraged. Again. And again. And then I decided to try compassion with myself which helps me to at least allow whatever arises to just be there. No answers. Just right there with you.
We are all impacted by each other. We can never make sense of what is not love, but we can strive to become more aware of those who cry out for love. It may mean we have to push through our grief, our anger, and this loss, so that we can give more in whatever ways we are being called. Maybe the numbness is a divine life perserver keeping us afloat so we don't lose hope.
Oftentimes the first emotion to surface, when I come out of my numbness, is guilt. I feel a responsibility to at least have the right comforting thing to say if I can't solve the problem outright. But as the shootings trudge on, I feel the desire to distance myself from them and avoid both the guilt and the mourning that follows. I hate this inner coldness, it doesn't feel like my human heart. Thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe one day we'll look back on this time and feel relief it has passed.
it beggars belief that the republicans can blame mental health - and not easy access to guns - while doing everything in their power to NOT fund mental health initiatives. this is a game to them. no lives matter to them. well, except the cis-white lives. they're pretty sacred, aren't they?
I am an itinerant special education teacher and I work with orthopedically impaired students. Just yesterday I was working with a student riding an adaptive bicycle and I saw a man walking by with a backpack and the thought shot through me that maybe he had a gun. The thought of someone having a gun on school campus comes across my mind more times than I’d like to count. The lockdown and shelter in place drills are so frightening. As an educator, I also have to go through training regarding intruders on campus, and I find it absolutely traumatizing. I appreciate what you wrote, and completely relate to you. Let’s hope that in the near future, some real change will happen in this country regarding guns.
My first reaction to (yet another) mass school shooting (or let's call it an act of domestic terrorism, since that's technically what it is) is always the same: I want to punch my family members who are republican and pro-gun. It's irrational, but I think maybe it's the proximity of them to me that makes me feel like, 'Oh, this will make me feel better. This is a person directly related to me and to whom I can directly express my rage.'
I don't, though. I mean, I live thousands of miles away from them and I don't have energy for a text fight that will go nowhere anyway. So, I just post and repost anti-gun memes on IG where I know those relatives will see them and hope that it's a metaphorical punch to their gut. But it's probably not. So then I tell myself I need to go back to work, to my cold tea, to my own issues I'm dealing with right now. Because what I can I do to prevent another act of domestic terrorism? Nothing.
you’re so not alone in the feelings. it’s impossible to metabolize it all, we’re truly not meant to. and yet we keep being asked to. it’s not fair for anyone and it never will be. love the imagery of the suit of plaster—what a perfectly, heartbreakingly relatable paragraph. 🧡
"it also steals all other feelings, erasing them entirely. It’s like a suit of plaster enveloping our bodies. The hard cast forms around us, hiding who we really are until we become unfamiliar to even ourselves." Yeah, that.
Thank you for writing this. You've put into words what I'm feeling and I'm sure many are feeling. I just wish tragedies like this would bring out the kindness in people so it would flood the world and heal and fill the cracks instead it often times doing the exact opposite.
Yes to all of this. I was just sharing similar thoughts and feelings with my spouse last night. At first I was feeling guilty for not being outraged. Again. And again. And then I decided to try compassion with myself which helps me to at least allow whatever arises to just be there. No answers. Just right there with you.
We are all impacted by each other. We can never make sense of what is not love, but we can strive to become more aware of those who cry out for love. It may mean we have to push through our grief, our anger, and this loss, so that we can give more in whatever ways we are being called. Maybe the numbness is a divine life perserver keeping us afloat so we don't lose hope.
With you.
Oftentimes the first emotion to surface, when I come out of my numbness, is guilt. I feel a responsibility to at least have the right comforting thing to say if I can't solve the problem outright. But as the shootings trudge on, I feel the desire to distance myself from them and avoid both the guilt and the mourning that follows. I hate this inner coldness, it doesn't feel like my human heart. Thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe one day we'll look back on this time and feel relief it has passed.
I feel many people survive with denial.
it beggars belief that the republicans can blame mental health - and not easy access to guns - while doing everything in their power to NOT fund mental health initiatives. this is a game to them. no lives matter to them. well, except the cis-white lives. they're pretty sacred, aren't they?
Kayti,
I am an itinerant special education teacher and I work with orthopedically impaired students. Just yesterday I was working with a student riding an adaptive bicycle and I saw a man walking by with a backpack and the thought shot through me that maybe he had a gun. The thought of someone having a gun on school campus comes across my mind more times than I’d like to count. The lockdown and shelter in place drills are so frightening. As an educator, I also have to go through training regarding intruders on campus, and I find it absolutely traumatizing. I appreciate what you wrote, and completely relate to you. Let’s hope that in the near future, some real change will happen in this country regarding guns.
Great article, and really touched on how I am feeling ...
My first reaction to (yet another) mass school shooting (or let's call it an act of domestic terrorism, since that's technically what it is) is always the same: I want to punch my family members who are republican and pro-gun. It's irrational, but I think maybe it's the proximity of them to me that makes me feel like, 'Oh, this will make me feel better. This is a person directly related to me and to whom I can directly express my rage.'
I don't, though. I mean, I live thousands of miles away from them and I don't have energy for a text fight that will go nowhere anyway. So, I just post and repost anti-gun memes on IG where I know those relatives will see them and hope that it's a metaphorical punch to their gut. But it's probably not. So then I tell myself I need to go back to work, to my cold tea, to my own issues I'm dealing with right now. Because what I can I do to prevent another act of domestic terrorism? Nothing.