In November, Berlin is beautiful with its soft orange light and crumpled leaves. The air is cold but welcoming, unlike London, unlike the bitter winds on the plains of Colorado. In Berlin, I drink the sky and feel the rain like velvet on my skin: a gentle caress, a companion, a longed-for greeting. Light leaves too soon, and candles are lit in its place.
Your writing reminds me of the poem by Emory Hall - "I have been a a thousand different women" ... perhaps you know it. Take care of your heart best as you can. You are seeking and I hope you get little glimpses of light🕊️ as you go. 💛
I always find when traveling to new cities the babies are somehow even cuter!!! WTF!!!! Like in Estonia when they were bundled in puffy onesie snow suits and their parents took them around in sleds instead of in strollers. Or the Italian babies in front a giant bowl of spaghetti making the italian sign language for "it's good" (index finger to cheek).
I've found the more I allow myself to feel the pain, the faster I'll feel better. And it's ok to simply allow yourself to be sad.
Ha, this is SO true. And you're right--I find that the more I allow myself to feel the pain, the smaller and less poignant it becomes. Thanks for reading xx
I have never tried to get pregnant. I have no experience with IVF. But I have MS, and I’ve dealt with depression. I also know the feeling of trying to find peace in a new place as well as the feeling of sorrow when it doesn’t work. I’m only one person, but I think this essay conveyed all the things you hoped it would. Thank you for sharing it and trusting that we’ll all find ourselves in it.
Gosh Kayti, thank you for always being the pause in my life that I need. Your writing is healing and reminds me it's okay to not surpress the heavier things we're processing in our hearts and minds. Just because others can't see it, doesn't mean it's not a battle in our hearts and minds worth fighting. And truly, we're all fighting for joy and stability daily. Your resiliency and authenticity is strength and I'm grateful that those of us who get to read your work, get to be a small part of believing in you and your work. (Obviously you're more than just your writing and what you can give of yourself, but still it's a gift). I don't know where I was going with this comment, but just know that you've got people that you may not ever meet in person that are behind you through all the highs and lows, praying for healing (whether faith of sorts is a part of the picture or not). But you are seen and appreciated Kayti. Thank you for being you.
This resonates soo much in my own season of ongoing fertility challenges. I too have found that the sadness stays with you wherever you go, but have also noticed that with the depth of sadness, grief also brings a deeper capacity for joy and the whole spectrum of the human emotions. But also, sometimes the only thing to feel is how much it sucks.
I appreciate your voice and your storytelling. Thank you for sharing your words!!
Don't mind me, I'm just sitting in a coffee shop, consumed by your writing, holding back my tears. Your writing embraces me like a warm hug. It feels like home. Love you!
I LOVE this and Thank You for sharing! This really touched me and I needed to hear it!
“ I am bigger than who I was but smaller than who I will become. We all are. No matter where we’re at in life—grieving or celebrating, expanding or contracting. It can feel so complicated, but the more I think about it, the more it seems simple”
Kayti, thank you for sharing. Reading your emotions brings back so many memories and dark times. I truly hope that your description and journey can help others understand that all the feelings that pop up and the ones we go through are valid. Each journey may have a different outcome, but the feelings and growth will be with you forever.
Your writing reminds me of the poem by Emory Hall - "I have been a a thousand different women" ... perhaps you know it. Take care of your heart best as you can. You are seeking and I hope you get little glimpses of light🕊️ as you go. 💛
This is breathtaking - I wasn’t familiar with this poem before. Thank you for sharing.
I always find when traveling to new cities the babies are somehow even cuter!!! WTF!!!! Like in Estonia when they were bundled in puffy onesie snow suits and their parents took them around in sleds instead of in strollers. Or the Italian babies in front a giant bowl of spaghetti making the italian sign language for "it's good" (index finger to cheek).
I've found the more I allow myself to feel the pain, the faster I'll feel better. And it's ok to simply allow yourself to be sad.
Ha, this is SO true. And you're right--I find that the more I allow myself to feel the pain, the smaller and less poignant it becomes. Thanks for reading xx
Such honest words. My heart felt every one of them.
I have never tried to get pregnant. I have no experience with IVF. But I have MS, and I’ve dealt with depression. I also know the feeling of trying to find peace in a new place as well as the feeling of sorrow when it doesn’t work. I’m only one person, but I think this essay conveyed all the things you hoped it would. Thank you for sharing it and trusting that we’ll all find ourselves in it.
Thanks so much for reading Yardena xo
Gosh Kayti, thank you for always being the pause in my life that I need. Your writing is healing and reminds me it's okay to not surpress the heavier things we're processing in our hearts and minds. Just because others can't see it, doesn't mean it's not a battle in our hearts and minds worth fighting. And truly, we're all fighting for joy and stability daily. Your resiliency and authenticity is strength and I'm grateful that those of us who get to read your work, get to be a small part of believing in you and your work. (Obviously you're more than just your writing and what you can give of yourself, but still it's a gift). I don't know where I was going with this comment, but just know that you've got people that you may not ever meet in person that are behind you through all the highs and lows, praying for healing (whether faith of sorts is a part of the picture or not). But you are seen and appreciated Kayti. Thank you for being you.
Thank you so much, Lauren. Wishing you a happy new year ❤️
An ode to growth 🍂🍁🍃
This resonates soo much in my own season of ongoing fertility challenges. I too have found that the sadness stays with you wherever you go, but have also noticed that with the depth of sadness, grief also brings a deeper capacity for joy and the whole spectrum of the human emotions. But also, sometimes the only thing to feel is how much it sucks.
I appreciate your voice and your storytelling. Thank you for sharing your words!!
Thanks so much Meg - I have also felt the depth capacity expand in this journey, though you’re right: sometimes is just sucks. Sending you love xx
Don't mind me, I'm just sitting in a coffee shop, consumed by your writing, holding back my tears. Your writing embraces me like a warm hug. It feels like home. Love you!
❤️❤️❤️
Your words and infertility journey have helped me through mine. Thank you. Sending good energy your way.
I’m sorry you also know this journey. Sending you love and good energy as well xo
I LOVE this and Thank You for sharing! This really touched me and I needed to hear it!
“ I am bigger than who I was but smaller than who I will become. We all are. No matter where we’re at in life—grieving or celebrating, expanding or contracting. It can feel so complicated, but the more I think about it, the more it seems simple”
Thank you Ruby! ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing. We can not get away from our grief, it chooses how long it will be our companion.
This touched my heart on so many levels. Keep wring Kayti. You have a gift in communication through your word. TY 💗
Thank you, Kath ❤️
Beautiful post. When life gives us beauty and pain together, it is like alchemy for good writing.
Ugh, so so true. Thank you for reading xo
Kayti, thank you for sharing. Reading your emotions brings back so many memories and dark times. I truly hope that your description and journey can help others understand that all the feelings that pop up and the ones we go through are valid. Each journey may have a different outcome, but the feelings and growth will be with you forever.
Thank you Amanda. I hope so too. Your words and insight mean so much. ❤️
🤍🤍🤍